When it gets cold, I think of you, Shaun. I think of how young we were and how the cold did not affect us. We would walk for miles in the snowy weather just to get to where we had friends. We survived by our friends. We thrived on each other's friendship. You were always there for me. I knew I could always call you. I could talk to you about anything and you would give me honest feedback. My stomach hurts as I write this. I miss you so much. You are the brother I always needed. I married my best friend on the 21st. He is a great guy. You would really like him. He takes care of me. He is always honest with me. And he loves me. I wish you could have met him. I miss you. Dawn
Shaun and I were friends during the late 80's when White Snake was a very well known band. While I would wait for him to sneak me out of my house, I would often listen to the White Snake tape in my Walkman. I recently heard the song "Here I go Again" by them and the words seemed to ring so true to reflect how Shaun's life was and the paths that he took. He was a very independent person with a loving, kind, humble and vulnerable heart. He believed in traveling his paths - for whatever his reasons, yet he sought the love and support of someone who would stand by him and love him no matter what. He found that in Jaycee and I applaud her. Finding a true friend is no easy task. We can always make friends, but to find a true friend is really not decided until the friendship ultimately ends due to death - and not ended by the silly ways of the world. Shaun and I were true friends and his wife was a true wife. He was true to himself. May we all learn from him.
On July 23, 1971, a baby boy was born. The name he was given was Christopher Sean Pfeil. During his high school years, he went by the name "Shaun." On July 12, 2011, my friend, Shaun, died suddenly.
I met Shaun in 1986 during my junior year in high school. I don’t recall how I came to know him. I assume we had a class together. We became best friends. My high school term was a difficult time for me in regards to my home life. I was very emotional during that time and struggled with anger, hurt, sadness and disappointment. I looked forward to seeing him every day. In school, we had a friendship of laughter, some shared classes and a shared locker. Outside of school, he was my “just a phone call away” friend. I would call him to talk to him about my life, my wishes, my pains. He offered me words of comfort, words of strength, and words of admonishment when he felt I needed them. And at the end of it all, he offered me love and a laugh. He was just what I needed at that interm of my life.
When he decided to take to the road, I wanted him to take me with him. He refused. He explained to me that he cared for me a great deal, but that we were two very different types of people. He continued to explain to me that due to our differences, he did not want to bring me into a crazy world. He wanted to protect me, and the best way he could protect me was to leave me behind. He knew for the most part how naïve I was about life and people. He also told me that he wanted to remain friends and that he would always be there for me. And he was.
Shaun was my protector. He was not a protector in the way of standing up for me to others. He was my protector in the fact that he taught me how to protect myself from my own self-destructive methods. He taught me to create a shield to hold up to the world so that I might be able to deflect some of the world’s harshness. He taught me how to take a stand within myself. He reassured me that I was worth something and that sometimes the world is just wrong about things. He always told me that I think too much and that my thinking was driving myself crazy. Over the past few years, I have actually been trying not to “think so much” so that I can relax and enjoy life a bit better.
He paid me a couple of suprise visits. One was while I was visiting my aunt for the summer in downstate Michigan. He had called me from a nearby town and asked to meet at the park. We hung out for about an hour and then he was back on the road for another adventure.
In 1989, I came home from work one day to my apartment in Harftford, CT. I walked in the living room and lo and behold...he was sitting there on the floor waiting for me! My roommates had let him in. I was so absolutely tickled that he took the time to come and see me. He stayed for about 3 days and I did not see him again until approximately mid summer 1990.
In 1990, he came to stay with me in Viginia Beach, VA. We would take road trips to Trenton, NJ to see his family. The hit song, "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane came out. Shaun bought this tape and played this song repeatedly. This was his song! Throughout the years, I would always think of him when I would hear this song. I think this song meant a lot to him because he actually lived his life on the road for a portion of his time between 1989 and 1992. He hitchhiked across the country several times, including Alaska. I have included the photos that he sent me from Alaska in his album section on this site.
Our conversations over the years have been sporadic, but not by choice. There were circumstances that stifled our communication, but I knew in my heart that nothing would ever completely squelch our friendship. Now death has taken my best friend. Because I did not talk to him on a regular basis, I feel that I may be okay in the fact that I will never talk to him again while I am alive. His death did not suddenly take the crutch out from under me. My crutch on him has been long gone. Thank goodness he taught me to be strong and to walk on my own. However, I am greatly saddened by the fact that I will never get that surprise phone call from him. I will never hear his deep voice again. I will never anticipate another visit with him. I will never see his goofy faces or beautiful blue eyes again. I will never see those familiar hands with their unique gestures and mannerisms. I will never see his walk again. I will never be able to hear of troubles in his life which led to the inevitable statement he always made of, “Oh, Dawn, I don’t know….” Because he didn’t know. He was just a man trying to make the best out of life for the paths that he chose to travel. For the most part, I was his sounding board. I never offered advice unless he wanted it. I never judged him. I just loved him unconditionally. I just tried to be there for him. I offered him words of encouragement and offered my wisdom on relationships. I just loved him. I always will. And though I will not see him on this earth anymore, I know I will see him again. I said “good bye” to him at the Valley Funeral home, but really…it is not a good bye. It is more of an, “I will see you on the flip side.” I am envious that he is somewhere where I want to be. So I just need to hold tight as I ride the roller coaster of life and the agonizing ride of grief over losing him. Someday I will be able to redeem my ticket at the door which will lead to him again. Shaun, you were my best bud. I love you dearly.
Crying
Some people are afraid to cry. I have experienced this mentality before. Over the years, I have grieved over the loss of my step-son, Dylan. However, I have discovered that crying is the most beautiful emotion one can display. Crying comes from the pain we feel due to the love that we have in our hearts. Tears are unadulterated. They are pure and true. Tears are a blessing. They are the physical release of pain. Comfort is to be found in the release of the pain in our hearts. Sobs and tears are a physical release of the pain within our souls. Do not be afraid to cry. I know sometimes it seems to feel as though if you begin to cry, you will never stop. The pain in your chest seems constrictive and that you will never be able to release its hold on you. But you will stop. The pain will empty out and will slowly build back up over time and you will need to cry again. Just remember that the tears you shed are just a symbol of love. Go ahead and cry.
